Women Loving Life Worldwide

Joyce Pierce April 23rd, 2009

If you haven’t seen it yet, it’s a must see!

I looked at the Internet Movie Database, www.imdb.com and learned that the movie was released in 1993. I remember seeing it as a newly-released movie, and later bought the DVD. Critics might not give the movie a high rating, but I agree with one of the comments made on this site about the movie. “Those of you with fathers, those of you who have lost fathers, and those of you who are fathers should see this movie.” That pretty much includes all of us, doesn’t it?

I lost my father when I was a young mother myself. I was mad at him for 20 years after that because he left me. One of the lines in this movie is, “This whole dying thing wasn’t my idea.” It was a message I needed to hear, and of course, I knew that if my father could have had a say in the matter, he would definitely not have died.

The reason I mention this movie is that I love the way it stresses the importance of keeping records! I’ve been a pretty faithful journal keeper all of my adult life. I encouraged my grandfather to write about his life, and I love reading through it, but I sure wish I would have done a video recording of him TELLING me about his life.

In 1991, which was about five years after my grandfather died, my mother came to visit. At the time, she was 71 years old, and in pretty good health. We had just bought a video recorder because every new grandparent has to have one! I had Mom sit on the couch and I set the recorder up on a tripod. I stood behind it and asked her questions. One of the things I do regret is that I didn’t ever come forward and sit beside her, or even give her a hug. There is no record of ME – I am just the voice behind the video.

Here is how we got started:

Tell me about your grandparents.

What were their names?

What do you remember about each one of them?

What about your parents?

What were there names?

What do you remember about them?

Tell me about your siblings. Start with the oldest.

Tell me his name, birth date, what was he like as a child?

What about your oldest sister?

You get the idea. I don’t remember having a script, and watching and listening to it today, you can tell it’s done by an amateur, but the thing that impresses me the most is that I was actually listening to what she had to say, and trying to get her to expand on the topic.

For instance, when she told me she went to Hornbeak High School, I asked her what she remembered about the school. How many were in your graduating class? Who was your best friend?

You can’t script something when you’re really wanting to find out who they are! You just have to listen.

As incredible as it seems to me now, we kept the camera rolling for almost two full hours! I couldn’t get my mother to write one word about her life, but she loved talking about it.

When we finally stopped, I put the tape away and told Mom I wouldn’t show it to anyone until after she passed away. She talked about some sensitive issues that I wasn’t sure she wanted shared with everyone at that point. It was nothing as sensational as the discovery the kids made in “The Bridges of Madison County,” but just some details that I wanted to make sure were recorded correctly.

Seventeen years later, we can now watch my mother’s life story, just the way she wanted to tell it.

When we were told that Mom didn’t have long to live, I took the tape to the video copy store and had three DVDs made. One for me, and one for my sister. The third one was for my aunt. I brought it home and cried as I watched the mother who was animated and very much alive in 1991. There she was on my television screen: talking, making familiar hand gestures, throwing her head back to laugh, with twinkling eyes that were full of life. This was not the mother I had known in recent years; the mother who had merely existed in a worn out body. The mother who was often confused as a result of prescribed medications.

The day Mom passed away, I showed the video to my sister. She couldn’t watch more than about five minutes of it because the emotion of losing our mother was just too much. But she did say something that will forever live in my memory. “Joyce, I don’t know what inspired you to do this, but if I had nothing else of Mom’s, this would be enough. This is priceless.”

Priceless. It truly is priceless.

The wonderful thing about capturing someone on film is that in some ways, they live on forever.

Grandchildren who only knew their great-grandmother as someone who was dependent on us for her care, can learn to know her as was one of the most INdependent people who ever lived. They can come to know her as we all did, when she was the traveling grandma who came to visit quite often. The grandma who took us out for pizza on Saturdays. The grandma who was plump and very snuggable. The grandma my children loved and enjoyed. The grandma who tried to recapture so much of her youth through her grandchildren and great-grandchildren.

If you’ve got a video camera on the shelf, get it out! Don’t wait for the next family reunion to record those stories. You may not get Uncle Dave to sit still for two hours, but fifteen minutes is better than nothing.

You don’t need to feel like you’re imposing by asking someone to let you tape their story. Wouldn’t you love to think that someone finds you interesting enough to want to capture your life on camera?

Make every moment count!

Joyce Moseley Pierce is a contributing author to the Chicken Soup for the Soul series.  She’s the creator of All They’ll Need to Know and owner of Emerson Publications.  She’s the Family Preparedness Expert for Ideamarketers.com as well as Women Loving Life Worldwide.  Visit www.emersonpublications.com or www.preparedineveryway.com to learn more.  Follow Joyce on Twitter @piercejam.

Tags: album, dad, death, history, journal, life, mom, photo

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Joyce Pierce April 21st, 2009

With all the interest in scrapbooking in recent years, people are keeping track of their lives through pictures.  That’s okay, but it doesn’t tell us anything about their thoughts or feelings.  People used to keep track of events through letters and recording important dates in the family Bible, but with email and instant messaging, we just are not a record keeping people anymore.

Biographies are written about famous people, but every life is a story unique to the person who’s living it.  You might not have your face on the cover of a magazine, but each life has a beginning and a history.  It is important that we give gratitude for the life we’ve been given, and what better way to express that gratitude than recording it.

The task of sitting down and writing your personal history is overwhelming.  Some people are blessed with the ability to write and some are not, but I have a system for recording your personal history that anyone can do.   I wish I could claim credit for creating it, but I wrote my own personal history many years ago using this system from a book I read.  I’ve taught a few classes on it, and everyone agrees that there’s no easier way to do it.

1.    Get an 8 ½ x 11” spiral notebook.   Mark the front of it with a magic marker or something creative so that you know it’s YOUR personal history.  Think about buying one in a color that reflects your personality, whether it’s red, green, purple, or blue.
2.    Using an ink pen, on the top line of each page, write a topic.  I will give you a few suggestions, but this is YOUR history, so you can use whatever you want.  At this point, all you should do is write the topic.  Nothing else.

a.   My name
b.   My mother
c.   My father
d.   My maternal grandparents
e.   My paternal grandparents
f.    Elementary School
g.   Junior High
h.   High School
i.    College
j.    Friends
k.   Family
l.    Holidays
m.  Birthdays
n.   Dating
o.   Marriage
p.   My husband
q.   My children
r.    Grandchildren
s.    Jobs
t.    Dreams
u.   Goals

3.    When you’ve written at least 20 topics, go back to the first page.

4.    Write just ONE sentence under your first topic.  For example, if your first topic is MY NAME, you might write something like I did.  “My name is Joyce Ann Moseley.”  That’s it.  Keep

5.    Go to the second topic, which in this suggested list is, “MY MOTHER.”  Here I would write, “My mother’s name is Oletha Hayes.”

6.    Continue through the book writing just one sentence for each topic.   While you’re writing, if you think of other topics, just go to the back of your book and add them.  You’ll be surprised how many other ideas pop into your head once you get those creative juices flowing.

7.    Once you’ve written one line for each topic, you can sit back and feel pretty proud of yourself.  Go fix yourself something to drink, or stop to look out the window!  This is more than most people have ever done, and if you stopped there, at least your family would know more about you than they did BEFORE you started this exercise.

8.    Next, go back to topic #1 and write whatever comes to mind.  Using my example, I’ve already written “My name is Joyce Ann Moseley.”   Now I would add, “I was born on October 5, 1949 in Kansas City, Missouri.  My father is the one who named me.  I’ve never really liked the name, and I don’t know where he got it.  My mother just tells me that he wanted to name me Joyce.  Unfortunately, he died before I got curious about it, so I can’t ask him why this name was special to him.”

9.    For the next topic, which is MY MOTHER,  I might take my first sentence, “MY mother’s name is Oletha Hayes,” and add this:  My mother was born on January 24, 1920 in Hornbeak, Tn.  She has two brothers and two sisters.  Their names are Onan, Flavil, Inez and Laura and they were all born in Hornbeak, Tennessee.”

10.    Continue through the notebook until you have written at least one more sentence on each topic.  Try to write a short paragraph.   Include names, dates and places.

11.    Use your imagination and be creative.  One of my topics is on The Beatles.  I wrote:  “I was sitting in front of the television at Joy Baldwin’s house the night that the Beatles appeared on the Ed Sullivan Show.  This was their first appearance in America.  You could hear all of the girls in the audience screaming, and we were screaming, too.  Her parents thought we were crazy.  I remember when they flashed “Sorry, girls, he’s married” when the cameras closed in on John Lennon.  Joy’s favorite Beatle was George and she told me I couldn’t have him.  I had to pick my own, so I chose Paul.  Turned out that was a choice I’ve never regretted.”

12.    That one topic started out as a simple “The Beatles” at the top of my page.  My first line was “I was sitting in front of the television at Joy Baldwin’s house the night that the Beatles appeared on the Ed Sullivan Show.”  It wasn’t until the third time I went through the notebook that all of this information was added, and if I were to look at it today, I would add even more, because now that I have lived to be older and wiser, I can see more meaning in that one single event.

I would encourage you to take these ideas and start writing your own personal history.   It is my desire that as these thoughts come to mind that you will find joy in appreciating the simple things in life.  If you find that some of them bring you pain, then take this opportunity to write about them.  At one point in my life, it became important to me to write about a period of time that had been extremely painful to me.    I created an outline of events, and then basically filled in the blanks with the history and dialog.  That’s really what you’re doing here.  The topic is your outline, and the blank page is your space to tell your story.  If you find that you need more pages, then go to the back of the book and continue.

I can testify to you that in telling my story, I was able to see things through different eyes, and only then could the healing begin.  It is my prayer that this exercise in writing your personal history will bring you joy, bring you closure, and bring you peace.  May God bless you in your journey.

Joyce Moseley Pierce is a contributing author to the Chicken Soup for the Soul series.  She’s the creator of All They’ll Need to Know and owner of Emerson Publications.  She’s the Family Preparedness Expert for Ideamarketers.com as well as WomenLovingLifeWorldwide.com.   Visit www.emersonpublications.com or www.preparedineveryway.com to learn more.  Follow Joyce on Twitter @piercejam.

Tags: family, history, journal, joy, personal, scrapbook, trials

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Joyce Pierce April 21st, 2009

joycepierce April 21st, 2009
Importance  of Record Keeping

Toward the end of my grandfather’s life I asked him to write his life history.  He couldn’t imagine why I wanted it, but he did it for me anyway, using any scrap of paper available at the time!  When he felt like he had written everything he wanted to share, he handed it over to me and I spent the next few months organizing it.  For Christmas that year, I presented it to him in a binder.  I don’t think there’s anything that could have meant more to him.  In time, a slight oil residue was evident on the paper where he had held and turned the pages with his fingers.   While it was intended as a gift for him, it is now a priceless treasure to me.  From time to time I pull it out and read it again, touching those stains and feeling that he’s right there with me.

At an early age I started recording my own thoughts in a journal.  I used it to record my activities as well as thoughts and dreams.  It is amazing how putting thoughts on paper helps to see it more clearly.  I think we all have a need to be remembered.  I wanted to make sure my descendants would feel a connection to me through my words even if I were unable to be there with them.    At one point I wrote my own personal history, offering my thoughts on childhood, school-age experiences, marriage, parenting, and anything else that seemed important at the time.  It was a great relief to record it and no longer feel the need to remember the information.

I’m a great believer in keeping records.  A few years ago, I divided up the family photos and made albums for each of our children.  As soon as the albums were finished, I gave them to each child so they could share their childhoods with their own families.  I keep a notebook for myself and for my husband that contains documents that have meaning for us – baptismal certificates, professional recognition, civic activities, and letters that are priceless.

I’m also the self-elected family historian and I record the births, marriages and deaths of our extended family.  When I receive the announcement in writing, I’m especially grateful because I feel like it’s more accurate than trusting the information verbally.  Putting things in writing just seems to make it official.  Some things just need to be written so there will be no confusion about them when the parties involved are not there to clarify the details for themselves.

Facing My Own Mortality

While I was busy raising my children and living my life, I was hit with the loss of three loved ones that changed my life and enlarged my focus.

My father passed away suddenly at the young age of 51; he had a heart attack with absolutely no warning.   He was alive when I started cooking breakfast and had died before I cleaned the dishes off the table.  It took a full day to pull the family together from different states and then we only had two days to plan the funeral.  He had done nothing to plan for his death, and if it hadn’t been for a kind uncle with an extra grave site, I don’t know what we would have done.  Over the next 10 years, my sister and I lost both of our beloved grandparents.  There were no aunts and uncles to help out because our father was their only child.   It’s not an easy task to plan a funeral for someone you love but it sure helps if they’ve given you some direction ahead of time!

My grandparents had pre-planned their funerals years before and I remember even as a child when we drove by the cemetery they would say, “That’s where we’re going to be buried.  We bought lots close to the road so we can hear the traffic.”  Then they’d laugh.  We thought they were kind of silly about it, but Grandpa had been a traveling salesman most of his life and  the two of them loved to travel, so it seemed fitting that they wanted to be close to the road, even in death.  Because of the healthy attitude they had toward their own deaths, we were able to use their funerals as a celebration of life, and the fact that they had pre-arranged their own funerals allowed us to grieve without the additional burden of trying to figure out what they would have wanted us to do.

You’d think that after seeing the difference it made to have arrangements made, I would start thinking about putting my affairs in order.  Still, I didn’t do anything until I read a story about a young mother whose husband was killed by a drunk driver while taking their children to school.  Her story hit me like a ton of bricks and made me face my own mortality.  Death is not reserved for the elderly.  While I hadn’t lost many friends my age, this woman’s story made me wake up and take action.  I moved through my files like a woman on a mission and didn’t stop until I felt like I was finished.

Getting Started

I was what some refer to as the “financial partner” in my marriage – managing the checkbook, paying the bills, handling insurance, and any other paperwork that came through our house.   My husband was definitely the “non-financial partner,” busy with his career, and glad to stay out of my way and let me manage everything at home!  I knew if I were going to protect him and my children, I would need to document everything in detail.

The steps I took should be helpful to you:

1.    Gather and organize your information.  For some this is as simple as pulling the files from a cabinet.  For others, it might mean going through boxes and drawers to find documents that are scattered throughout the house.

2.    Review the information to be sure it’s still correct.  Visit with your attorney, your life insurance agent, or your financial advisor if necessary.  Make sure beneficiaries are correct.  If documents are in a safe deposit box,  write down the name and location of the bank, as well as who has access and where the keys are located.  I personally recommend that documents be kept at home in a fireproof safe so they’re available when you need them.  The banks are closed most of the weekend, and you don’t want to have to wait until Monday if death occurs on Saturday morning.

3.    Record the information in pencil.   A short pencil is better than a long memory!  Better to have the ability to erase and change the information than have to keep scratching through it with a pen.

4.    Keep the copies of the documents in the same notebook or folder with the information you’ve recorded.  There is no sense in making your family search for any of it.    I have my information in a huge 3-ring binder filled with page protectors to hold each document, with the completed copy of my details tucked into the front pocket.

5.    Tell your family what you’ve done and schedule a time to sit down and review it with them.  This is a great opportunity to gather your loved ones together and explain what you want and why.  If you’re an organ donor, tell them why you feel strongly about it.  If there are special pieces of china or artwork, now is the time to tell them how you want them distributed.   Sitting down with them now will also alleviate problems when they have to divide your belongings later.

6.    Put the information in a safe place and let your family know where that is.  Again, don’t make them search the house for it.  If you’ve chosen to use a fireproof safe, tell them where you’ve hidden it.  Maybe it’s in the bedroom closet, or under your desk.

7.    Put a note on your calendar to review it quarterly.  Information changes.  This is where you’ll be glad you recorded it in pencil.

Communicate With Your Family

I pull my information out regularly to review it.  When I’m leaving on a trip,  I call the daughter who lives here in town, and remind her where she will find the binder.  She hates the phone call but I tell her that the day will come when she will need it and then she will be glad I’ve taken the time to tell her all she’ll need to know.

Over 90% of survivors are not fully prepared for an untimely death.   If you are fortunate enough to have some direction from the deceased, there is less chance that you will be taken advantage of by those who prey upon the survivors.    This extends beyond the funeral home and cemetery to those who may have ideas for how you should spend or invest your inheritance.

The majority of people haven’t gone through any process at all to record their information.  They may have pre-planned their funeral, but not recorded insurance details, or even given instruction on how their spouse could obtain the funds to continue their current lifestyle if their income were to end.   Let’s assume they think it will be a wonderful surprise for their spouse to learn about an unknown life insurance policy.  The very sad fact is that an estimated 25% of all life insurance policies go unclaimed because the beneficiary is unaware that the policy ever existed.  So, don’t keep any secrets.  Let your spouse, or a trustworthy child, know what you have and where to find it.

Why Don’t We Prepare?

The lack of preparation is certainly not because people don’t love their families.  It’s mostly because they just don’t like to face the idea of their own mortality.

Death is a part of life and you might as well accept it.  One day you will experience it.  Not doing anything at all to prepare your family is selfish.   You’ve spent your life taking care of them, so why would you neglect to give them this important information when they need you the most?  It just doesn’t make sense.

There are about a hundred things that must be done by the survivor.  The interesting thing is that about fifty of them can be done right now.  In addition to planning for “after” your life, it’s important to have an advance directive and  medical power of attorney.  With the recent interest in “right to life” we’ve all been made more aware of the need to have the documents so family and doctors know exactly what measures you want to be taken to sustain life.    In addition, if you want to be an organ donor, or if you’re interested in donating your body to science, do the research now and let your family know so when death occurs they won’t waste time discussing what to do.

If you ask a dying man what his greatest regret is, what do you think he would say?   “I wish I’d made more money,” or “I wish I’d have been more successful.”  At this point when money means absolutely nothing, most people would say, “I wish I would have spent more time with my family.”   Most of us spend our lives trying to be successful, not realizing that the greatest success we can have is within the four walls of our home.   We’ve all made mistakes raising our children, but as long as there is life, we have an opportunity to show them we love them.  Documenting your wishes and giving them a plan for continuing life without you is an invaluable gift.  At a time when they need you more than ever, they will be grateful you loved them enough to continue to protect and guide them, even in death.  I like to tell my kids that this is one time where I get the final word!

Joyce Moseley Pierce is a contributing author to the Chicken Soup for the Soul series.  She’s the creator of All They’ll Need to Know and owner of Emerson Publications.  She’s the Family Preparedness Expert for Ideamarketers.com as well as WomenLovingLifeWorldwide.com.   Visit www.emersonpublications.com or www.preparedineveryway.com to learn more.  Follow Joyce on Twitter  @piercejam.

Tags: direction, health, history, journal, life, medical, record+keeping, recording

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